CONSTERNATION! You have a 1:3 chance of being Geoffrey unless you answered d) throughout, in which case you are string, infinite regresses, "Glas", Bartok raving artistic merit, there isn't any Latin, they are cool God, MAD, which you have a 4:3 chance of being, anyway.
BONUS QUESTION: finish this quotation "correctly" —
"... there is no domain of the psychic without —"
a) Fish
b) Freud
c) Text
d) A marmalade and cucumber pizza, without mayonnaise.
Answer at the top of p.1.
6. What is the difference between Abba & Beethoven?
a) Beethoven is dead.
b) Beethoven was deaf and unfortunately couldn't hear his own compositions. Fortunately he couldn't hear Abba, either.
c) It is entirely a matter of subjective opinion.
d) Artistic merit. Beethoven was good.
7. What is the difference?
a) Différance.
b) It's the opposite of the "the same".
c) Time.
d) There isn't any.
8. Which language will be imposed by the World Government as compulsory for all in 2004?
a) English.
b) American.
c) Esperanto.
d) Latin.
9. Why are turtle-necks "cool"?
a) Subjective opinion.
b) It is impossible to wear a tie with them.
c) They are really turquoise.
d) They are cool.
10. Who is going to be world dictator in 2004?
a) Geoffrey.
b) Geoffrey.
c) Margaret Thatcher.
d) God (≈/ Ken Dodd).
Survey 57 — Or are you Geoffrey?
1. Which of the following is the most relevant?
a) Shakespeare.
b) History.
c) Global warming.
d) String.
2. Which of the following do you find most alarming?
a) "The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb".
b) Feminist Literary Theorists.
c) Liz's Gran.
d) Infinite regresses.
3. Is the "definite book"
a) The Bible,
b) Finnegeans Wake,
c) Anything containing historical truth,
d) Glas?
4. Which of the following is the most civilized composer?
a) Monteverdi.
b) Ennio Morricone.
c) Michael Oldfield (sic).
d) Bartok.
5. Which of the following is the most "cool"?
a) The refrigerator.
b) Omsk.
c) Abba.
d) "Raving".
If you scored (d) on all, then... CONGRATULATIONS, you are Liz — or are you? And aren't these denotations/representations of person(s) somewhat limited?
If not, then you're not Liz — at least not at the moment — perhaps you once were.
? Liz who ?
6. Who is the Home Secretary?
(a) K. Baker.
(b) K. Kendall.
(c) A slug.
(d) Dont know — who translated the Rubayat of Omar Khayyam?
7. Why do old records sound so good?
(a) Good interference.
(b) Tasteful record sleeves.
(c) Cool music.
(d) Fab conductors.
8. What is your favourite food?
(a) Raw carrots.
(b) Goats.
(c) Booze & cows.
(d) Pizzas!
9. Are you — ?
(a) An evil genius for a better tomorrow.
(b) A better genius for an evil tomorrow.
(c) An aardvark.
(d) A text in process.
10. What is your favourite term of criticism?
(a) It's bloody awful.
(b) "Not on".
(c) "Well out of order".
(d) "Uncivilized".
Survey 2: Are you Liz? (which many might regard as coterminous with "mad")
1. Which of the following oppresses you most?
(a) The eradication of the ozone layer.
(b) The prospect of nuclear war.
(c) They gave Derrida an honorary degree.
(d) Gran©™.
2. Which of the following turns you on most?
(a) Burt Reynolds.
(b) Gran.
(c) The tree of life.
(d) Text™.
3. Who is your favourite writer?
(a) Denis Wheatley.
(b) Thucydides®.
(c) Liz.
(d) Derrida: but it is rather a limited question.
4. What is truth?
(a) God™.
(b) Beauty©.
(c) Why do you ask?
(d) It depends: isn't it all a bit binary?
5. How would you describe your garb?
(a) Outdated.
(b) Outmoded.
(c) Out of order.
(d) Original.
Scoring
a) = 50
b) = -0.5796301717 {recurring}
c) = 4
d) = 337
j) = 56,000,000½;
z) = z + t2 helps you to draw nice right angles.
If your score is a number, you are mad.
People whose scores are the same as the number of a freight train they once saw in Didcot at 3.17 in the afternoon are sad.
People without scores probably don't have language either and are irrelevant.
People reading this sentence are mad, unless they fail to read the end. Except that they are anyway.
I'm raving pronoun.
6. Q. What is the capital of Tibet?
a) I don't know.
b) I wanted Sport and Leisure.
c) Meaning.
d) Finnegans Wake.
z) T.
7. Q. What is the difference between a dog?
a) One of its legs is both the same.
b) Iterability.
c) Tuesday.
d) Both of them talk to itself, like me.
z) The Will to Power.
8. Q. Why did Julius Caesar cross the Rubicon (?)
a) To get to the other side.
b) Because he was intimately implicated in the chicken.
c) Naive faith in history.
d) I don't know if this is a rhetorical question or not.
z) To try to have all the little blue squares on one side, all the little red squares on the other side, all the little white squares on the completely other side &c.
9. Q. Are you mad?
a) Yes.
b) Yes.
c) Barking textual.
d) No, I am.
e) They have other noses, too.
The Book Readership Survey: Are You Mad?
1. Q. Do you talk to yourself?
a) Sometimes.
b) Only under stress.
j) Only in Esperanto ®©.
d) So long as it doesn't make me feel self-present.
z) It depends if we disagree.
2. Q. When you walk down the street, how do other people react?
a) They ignore you. On purpose.
b) Warily.
c) They dial 999 and call an ambulance / the police.
d) They dial 999 and call the coastguard.
z) They grow extra ears.
3. Q. How do you feel about your parents?
a) Mildly irritated.
b) Kind of magnanimous and sentimental.
c) Oedipal.
d) Electrostatic.
z) Tree.
4. Q. What is the meaning of meaning?
a) I don't know.
b) Facts.
c) Infinite implication.
d) Tree.
z) Meaning.
5. Q. Why are you completing this Survey?
a) Because I'm bored.
b) Because I'm mad.
c) I don't know.
d) Facts.
z) I want to know whether I am mad or not.
