9. What does the babel-fish prove?
a) The possibility of translation
b) The universal interconnectedness of everything
c) The existence/non-existence of God
d) Fish!
10. Who should be dictator of the world?
a) Geoffrey
b) David Icke
c) Mr. Mad
d) Hegel.
If you have answered any of these questions correctly you are barking ergo Simon. For bonus points — which answer in the above survey is a paraphrase of Nietzsche? And how many sheep?
6. Anyone who glues fifty-one woodlice onto a photograph of John Major with toothpaste and sends it to Anatoly Karpov with a Mother's Day card saying "Like my new moustache?"?
a) Must know Anatoly Karpov's address
b) Mad
c) Waggish and satirical
d) Barking odd!
7. What is the meaning of life?
a) A particular and very rare type of death
b) 42
c) Context dependent
d) Life. Don't talk to me about life.
8. What is leeming?
a) Attempting to establish one's physical orientation in relation to gravity when extremely drunk or just stupid.
b) A presenter of children's television who transforms shoeboxes and detergent bottles by pasting pieces of cotton wool to them (which subsequently fall off and adhere to various parts of the leeming's anatomy) and by cutting small polygonal holes in them.
c) Amusing babies by means of grotesque facial contortions.
d) A misspelling for "lemming".
And now if you're not Liz and you're not Geoffrey (poor you), then maybe you're Simon — or perhaps you're just a wal(rus). Here's how to test whether you are Simon.
(1) Who is uncle Fred and how long did he spend in bed?
(a) Fred Harris; 12 hours
(b) Frederick the Great; 1 hour
(c) King Alfred — toasted teacakes
(d) Fred — 18 months
(2) Whose line is it, anyway?
(a) Clive Anderson's.
(b) Ronald Reagan's.
(c) Who am I to answer the question?
(d) Fish.
(3) Who is justified and ancient?
(a) Liz's gran.
(b) Liz.
(c) Socrates.
(d) Moo-moo!
4. Where's the Fishy?
a) In his sleevies
b) In a black hole
c) Is it?
d) Milky milky
5. Wibble?
a) Wibble!
b) That is grammatological, captain
c) Milky milky
d) Treee
