Iam estis alko, kiu nomiĝis Blob. Li estis simpla plenigo de negativa spaco, kaj pro tio li aperis en la interspacia lingvo (ŝerco). Liz ĵus frapis sian frunton per la telefona registro. Neniu sciis kial, eĉ nek Blob. Kaj tiel finiĝis la spaco.
"My initials are M.H. and I am in the cabinet."
Trans: "Please place 3 tons of coal in my driveway."
"My initials are E.B-B. and I am a cabinet."
Trans: "Please place 3 tons of coal dust in my fridge."
"My initials are G.G. and I have a cabinet."
Trans: "Please place 3 tons of coal in my cabinet."
"My initials are S.C.B.D. and I eat cabinets in sandwiches, sometimes with coleslaw and gravel, but most often with grunged peas and offal."
Trans: "Please wake me when the Universe reaches critical mass and time flows the other way."
"Where's the University?"
Trans: "Please nuke me."
"Is it all right if I leave my bicycle chain in your bed?"
Trans: "Is it all right if I leave my bicycle chain in your bed?"
"Ah, this is your room is it?"
Trans: "You must hate it."
"What time is Hall?"
Trans: "I need a check-up."
"Nice rainy weather."
Trans: "Why doesn't it ever stop raining here?"
Graduate: "What a lot of letters!"
Trans: "The S.C.R. should be persuaded of the wisdom of only admitting persons whose names begin with Q to this college."
Graduate: "Excuse me!"
Trans: "Bog off, foetus."
Graduate: "Are you a fresher?"
Trans: There are several meanings. [!]
Graduate: "I used to live here."
Trans: "I'm too old to know anyone any more."
Graduate: "How interesting!"
Trans: "You hide it well/badly."
"The Fresher-Graduate / Graduate-Fresher Phrase Book"
1. When you Arrive – In the Lodge
Fresher: "Excuse me – where's?"
Trans: "Which way up is this map and why is it a map of King's Cambridge?"
Fresher: "Er – hello?"
Trans: "Please patronise me."
Fresher: "Are you lost?"
Trans: "When I grow up, I shall be very irritating."
Fresher: "I'm a Christian."
Trans: "This is a five-minute warning of thermonuclear attack..."
Supplementary Bibliography in 57.4 senses
(1) "Hanging Gates" William Barnes (this one's "genuine" folks)
(2) "How to make over 4 vulgar sounds with only a pot plant and Keith Chegwin"
(3) Toast – A Photographic Guide
(4) How to determine the Sex of a Brussels Sprout
(5) A Phonetic Guide to BASIC©
(6) 14 Things You Didn't Know you Knew about Knowledge
(7) The Uses of New Historicism
(8) The 8th Bumper Book of Esperanto Expletives 1903 (repr. 1916) <-- [too easy, Ed.]
(9) "The 'Milky Milky' diet" ("If you like yogurt, you'll love this!")
(10) The Linguaphone Lipreading Course – 5 cassettes only £29.99
(46) The Fresher-Graduate / Graduate-Fresher Phrase Book, with Sample Conversations (see facing page)
(11) Honorary Mention – bad value at 24p ndash; the sequel, "What I think I don't know about the life of Paul de Man" is less fairly priced at 18p.
{A postage stamp under a magnifying glass. On the reverse is written "What I think I know about the life of Paul de Man – Geoffrey".}
Geoffrey's top 10 implausible shortlisted books
(1) 10 days that somewhat disturbed the world – M. Read
(2) Deconstruction made simple – vols 1–37.2 with an introduction and gibber by J. Derrida
(3) Why I like lemons
(4) 27 things to do with out of date copies of the Radio Times
(5) Liz's guide to plain-talking
(6) How to run a country – J. Major
(7) How to invade Poland – A. Hitler
(8) How to be a bigamist – ?
(9) The operation and maintenance of the wheelbarrow
(10) The weather – why it must stop
Secret Diary of Geoffrey, Aged 136¼
On Mondays I get up at 9.00 so that I can hide in the library before the lunatics are fully raving. They get up late because they are lunatics. One of them is naturally mad, and the other one taught herself out of books. But I'm sane, and one day I shall rule the world ...
(To be continued)
