There was a young girl of the Hague
Who was so incredibly vague
She always deconstructed
Until her death obstructed
Yet still she deconstructed as she decayed.
A strange oldish fellow of Mars
Wrote odd morbid verses for hours
He spoke Esperanto
How irrelevanto
From normalcy it him debars.
{Graph of "British economy" (to -1) against "Esperanto plot" (to 2004): it's a sine wave, with a sudden halfway blip – beyond which it plunges into the axis.}
10 ways to tell the universe is ending
(1) The recession ends
(2) Pigs fly
(3) You understand deconstructionist texts
(4) Everyone speaks Esperanto
(5) P de M confesses all
(6) Americans acquire civilization
(7) Thatcher apologises
(8) Elks turn into goats (and vice versa)
(9) You find sitcoms funny
(10) The temperature rises a lot (or sinks. Or stays the same)
Oh dear, perhaps it is ending. That means good news for British industry – no more German competition. No more competition at all. No more industry, in fact. Oh well.
{Graph showing "British economy" plunging as "Liz's insanity" rises.} Need we say more?
"ANYONE WHO CAN'T SPELL 'DOYLI' OUGHT TO BE LOCKED UP AND THROWN AWAY" – Rev. K. Q. Däuley.
doily flan
Just got up.
There once was a smelly old elk
Who resembled my stepniece's whelk,
When he climbed in a hole,
He resembled a vole,
And in no way resembled a gnu.
If all the seas were fish, the fish would be bloody confused.
Oh dear – is it still there?
Yes, it is, it is!
No, it's gone – dear dear E. Konom, dear, dear E. Konomy. We loved it so.
Ten Things Not to Do if the Universe is About to End
1. Go for a curry.
2. Telephone John Major to say "God's going to make a bigger mess of this country than you can!"
3. Decide to read the complete works of Hegel.
4. Read the complete works of Hegel.
5. Write the complete works of Hegel.
6. Meditate for too long on the difference between reading and writing.
7. Attempt to make your peace with Christ, Allah, Buddha, Vishnu, Apollo, Dionysos and James T. Kirk. They'll only get jealous.
8. Panic.
9. Not panic.
10. Paint your posterior green, put a paper doilly (?) on your head and get on the train for Worthing trying to sell sausages out of a large bucket. RAVING MAD
N.B. No's 5, 7 and 9 are inadvisable at any time.
No's 1 and 10 should not be attempted in a normal home.*
* Please contact St Aloysius Home for Normals, 5, and counting, thank you.
