If the universe is about to end

Ten Things Not to Do if the Universe is About to End

1. Go for a curry.

2. Telephone John Major to say "God's going to make a bigger mess of this country than you can!"

3. Decide to read the complete works of Hegel.

4. Read the complete works of Hegel.

5. Write the complete works of Hegel.

6. Meditate for too long on the difference between reading and writing.

7. Attempt to make your peace with Christ, Allah, Buddha, Vishnu, Apollo, Dionysos and James T. Kirk. They'll only get jealous.

8. Panic.

9. Not panic.

10. Paint your posterior green, put a paper doilly (?) on your head and get on the train for Worthing trying to sell sausages out of a large bucket. RAVING MAD

N.B. No's 5, 7 and 9 are inadvisable at any time.

No's 1 and 10 should not be attempted in a normal home.*

* Please contact St Aloysius Home for Normals, 5, and counting, thank you.