Gospel according to St Bernard

The reading today is taken from the Gospel According to St Bernard, Chapter 31285, verse 3569, fax 0714829421, phone home:

And Abraham took the cucumber saying "Glory be to Ken Dodd – oops – no – that's me tickling stick – oooo! And in earth moose, mooses moose to space time. Continuum? Thanks, I've already eggfruit.

And God tore his beard, saying (for he had no hair, being an slap-head) "This man is an lunatic!" Here endeth the lesson.

↕ MORE TIME! THYME¡

{Up the side of the page} "Tarragon" said Tennyson.