There once was a dusty old tome
In which words did not feel at home
From it was no gleaning
A relevant meaning
Apart from the word "pascolome".
Big trouble in little Liz
Bitter rune(/sign).
The Good, the Rad and the Spuggly
The Mauve, the Mad and the Terminally Dead.
Vacuum Cleaner II
Basic Latin
The Silence of the Spams
Once Upon a Time in the Goat
Go for a Walk with Me
Indecision
The L.C.D. Display Digital Grapefruit
There was a young girl of the Hague
Who was so incredibly vague
She always deconstructed
Until her death obstructed
Yet still she deconstructed as she decayed.
A strange oldish fellow of Mars
Wrote odd morbid verses for hours
He spoke Esperanto
How irrelevanto
From normalcy it him debars.
{Graph of "British economy" (to -1) against "Esperanto plot" (to 2004): it's a sine wave, with a sudden halfway blip – beyond which it plunges into the axis.}
10 ways to tell the universe is ending
(1) The recession ends
(2) Pigs fly
(3) You understand deconstructionist texts
(4) Everyone speaks Esperanto
(5) P de M confesses all
(6) Americans acquire civilization
(7) Thatcher apologises
(8) Elks turn into goats (and vice versa)
(9) You find sitcoms funny
(10) The temperature rises a lot (or sinks. Or stays the same)
Oh dear, perhaps it is ending. That means good news for British industry – no more German competition. No more competition at all. No more industry, in fact. Oh well.
{Graph showing "British economy" plunging as "Liz's insanity" rises.} Need we say more?
"ANYONE WHO CAN'T SPELL 'DOYLI' OUGHT TO BE LOCKED UP AND THROWN AWAY" – Rev. K. Q. Däuley.
doily flan
Just got up.
There once was a smelly old elk
Who resembled my stepniece's whelk,
When he climbed in a hole,
He resembled a vole,
And in no way resembled a gnu.
If all the seas were fish, the fish would be bloody confused.
Oh dear – is it still there?
Yes, it is, it is!
No, it's gone – dear dear E. Konom, dear, dear E. Konomy. We loved it so.
Ten Things Not to Do if the Universe is About to End
1. Go for a curry.
2. Telephone John Major to say "God's going to make a bigger mess of this country than you can!"
3. Decide to read the complete works of Hegel.
4. Read the complete works of Hegel.
5. Write the complete works of Hegel.
6. Meditate for too long on the difference between reading and writing.
7. Attempt to make your peace with Christ, Allah, Buddha, Vishnu, Apollo, Dionysos and James T. Kirk. They'll only get jealous.
8. Panic.
9. Not panic.
10. Paint your posterior green, put a paper doilly (?) on your head and get on the train for Worthing trying to sell sausages out of a large bucket. RAVING MAD
N.B. No's 5, 7 and 9 are inadvisable at any time.
No's 1 and 10 should not be attempted in a normal home.*
* Please contact St Aloysius Home for Normals, 5, and counting, thank you.
Enough of these τρεκηματα. Who is this chap Shakespeare anyway?
A fool once armed with a blunderbuss
Started a great big fuss
He aimed the gun at his head
But being in bed
Instead he was run over by a bus.
Sonnet 130.2 (or (?) "Shakespeare in the Original Klingon"
"My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun
Blood is more green than her antenna's green
If moons be four, why then her heads are one
If hairs be wires, black wires grow from her spleen.
I have seen noses stationed, left and right
But no such noses see I on her knees
And in an asteroid belt is more delight
Then when her several digits start to tease.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That micro-waves are much more audible.
I grant I never saw a goddess grow
But her expansions are implausible
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any that do go round breathing air!"
