Brain scones

Two news items both of great import
Appear not to have been connected
The cessation of a successful export
And departure of a journalist well respected
Yet the link between the two is clear
And it will shock your very soul
For it is the case – very much so, I fear
[DES?] They are both connected with coal

"Puns – What to do in an Emergency"

"100 Recipes with Safety Pins"

"The Morecambe and Wise Book of Stale Scones"

"The Best of the Argos Catalogue"

Geoffrey's Brain – a map of 136%

{Pie chart. Anticlockwise from top: a shaded sector labelled "UNCONSCIOUS (counterintuitive)"; BINARISM 10%; JOKE ARCHIVE 11%; a sector marked with an upside-down chair and the words "seat of reason, logic &c 2%"; POOR TASTE 8%; ROUTINES 9%; a small unmarked sector; a tiny sector labelled "UNCERTAINTY (trace)"; CERTAINTY 37%, containing a small circle marked "induction/deduction but not necessarily in that order"; MEGALOMANIA 41%; MAGNANIMITY 20%; a sector full of springs, screws, washers and a small explosion, i.e. "THE ALREADY DECONSTRUCTED BIT".}

{This bit is original, except that it isn't.}

Brain cheese

LIZ'S BRAIN (not to scale)

{Pie chart, at least a fifth of which is "WORDS". Small sectors are labelled "GIBBER", "female intuition", "more words" and (a tiny sliver) "memory". At the other side of the chart is a chunk of "Norwegian Goatsmilk Cheese".}

More books

"The great moose–elk debate" – H. Arty Beast

"Wombles of the Serengeti"

"A zombie kidnapped my yak"

"The pop-up guide to toasters"

"Freddy the hamster ate my toast"

"The Observer's Guide to Books"

"Books – their use and abuse"

"1000 places to eat in ancient Rome"

"Beginner's guide to word arranging"

Estos vidanta vin!

"Superintelligent shades of the colour black."

"The A-Z of the 16th Dimension on Friday. Thank You"

"I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed."

= "Je crois de mon devoir de vous informer que je me sens extrêmement déprimé."

= "Mi devus informi vin, ke mi sentas deprimegon."

= "My deviant informative wine, that I don't dance in the spring" *

"Dance is a good translation of almost anything" (Danco estas bona traduko de preskaŭ ĉio.)

* = "Mia devojiĝinta informema vino, ke mi ne dancas printempe." † RIP

"Estos vidanta vin!"

Green pie

{Pie chart labelled (up the side) "Green Pie"}

3%   "1001 Ways to Trope a Goat"

3%   String and Wishful Thinking

4%   Metaphysics

9%   Chocolate

11%   Rapidity

12%   Cheese

22%   Beer

32%   Llama-brain

90%   Other

A fourth load of old books

"These Things Didn't Happen So I Won't Tell You About Them"

"I am Dead" by A. N. Author
"Am I" by A. N. Other
  – counts as one choice 50p

"The Colour Blue and How to Experience It"

"A practical Guide to Vomiting"

"The Subjective Idealist's Handbook of Lampposts and Other Lampposts"

"Stupidity and How to Acquire It"

"Beans"

"Counting Mice"

A third load of old books

"Taramosalata For Beginners."

"Beginners For Taramosalata."

"Why Moussaka Is So Hideously Unpleasant."

"Aristotle As Rewritten By Derrida."

"Derrida As She Is Spoke."

"John The Scissors Ate My Hamster."

"Ian Hislop Ate My Headline."

"The Real Reason Why Betamax VCRs Became Extinct."

"I've Got To Stop Eating This Radio Times."

"Proto-Indo-European Phrase Book."

"Gratuitous Marmalade."

"Free Squashed Rodent Inside."

"Gyles Brandreth Was My Hamster."

Another load of old books

"The Guinness Book of Omelettes."

"Badly Dubbed Filmtracks of the 30's."

"How to Cross Your Fingers Strangely."

"My Favourite Book of Sneeze Mess."

"Paul de Man's Usual Stuff™."

"Channel Four News – The Movie."

"Do It Yourself Paperweights for Yaks."

"Learn to Eat Pus For A Healthier Life."

"Terry Wogan – The Interesting Week."

"The Day I Ate A Kitchen Utensil Bag."

"You've Read This Already."

"What Is The Name of This Book?"

"Wie Heißt Dieses Buch?"