Rubbishyat

I sometimes think one never goes to bed
But sings "The Red Flag" in a hat instead
And certainly if a census were conducted
The living are outnumbered by the dead.

And each invigorating walk we take
Down here on earth for very boredom's sake
May cause a hurricane to be concocted
Or someone up on Mars to bake a cake.

A meteorologist, while drinking gin
Happened to see the Apocalypse begin
Eschatological weather forecast!
"Light showers, and fire and brimstone in King's Lynne."

For every trope the poet has invented
So many problems have been circumvented
That God might almost seem to take a hand —
The transcendental signifier has repented.

        Spool.

He thought he saw

He thought he saw an Argument
That proved he was a Goat,
He looked again and found it was
A mildewed overcoat.
"That's not so bad!" he said (quite mad)
And shoved it down his throat.

He thought he saw a cabbage-patch
Descending from the moon,
He looked again and found it was
A green and mauve baboon.
"A puzzling sight, if I see right!"
Exclaimed that mad buffoon.

Gibbons, pigs and lions

There once were some horrible gibbons
Who enjoyed tearing people to ribbons
They went through a bad patch
When they met with their match
Having stumbled upon Bernard Cribbins.

Quite suddenly panic ensued
When the wings from the pigs came unglued
They descended together
Like birds without feathers
With numerous greenness endued.

A signwriter outside a pub
Was hit by a man with a club.
"It's just that I've seen
You need more space between
The words 'Lion' and 'And' and 'And' and 'Cub'."

The absence of sane

There once was an oven of toothpaste
And microwave, igloo and roof space
O the metatext rhymes
In a sign of the times
But it isn't really in good taste.

(Just to demonstrate that I can tell the différance...)

[ There was once a young lad from Penzance
Who was after a bit of romance
So he took a big chance
And asked "her" to dance
But it turned out that she was from France

There was once an old bloke of Vienna
Who'd churn out psychology for a tenner,
His name was Sig Freud
And he really enjoyed
Sex with a new Kenwood Blender

It was the strain on the fish
That turned me in brain
That and the absence of sane.

Krud gibber twaddle tosh

Carrots in a row, too — so where? So Krud. Gibber. There are too many words here. Too much rubbish, krud, tosh, twaddle, blurb, gibber, garble, waffle, ... where's my θησαυρος?

I can't imagine! You may have contributed more.

There once was a shelf with a bowl on
Next to which Liz had drawn a semicolon
And a picture of Iggy
Who was fat like a piggy
And his ears were on stalks. Goodbye — so long!

There once was a [somethingty something]
Who had completely lost her marbles
She would about signs
Found between the lines
But her text looks like nothing but garble.

Twentych

These poems have started a trend
And they've driven me quite round the bend —
Oh my God! What a blow!
It's sixteen in a row,
So I think at this point I shall end.

There once was a piece of old toast
Which thought it had spotted a ghost
It looked south and north
It ran back and forth
But couldn't decide which it liked most.
    (dictated to Liz)

There was an old man known as Bill
Who croaked without leaving a will
It was puzzling, 'cos
No one knew who he was
So they pulped him through a paper-mill.

There once was a basket of eggs
Which had several flexible legs
Though it walked with them bent
This was clearly not meant
For its eyesight, and so it wore specs.

There once was a hairy old Sasquatch
Who fell into a bucket of whitewash
It got covered in paint
And yelled, "Happy I ain't,
'Cos this poem's a load of old hogwash!"

(20 in a row...)

Dipstick

There once was an MP called Gyles
Who wore jumpers and hideous smiles
He went mad, got elected...
And shortly rejected,
But his jumpers could be heard for miles.

I used to like lying in bed
But I've found something nicer instead
A rotten old mission
Called decomposition —
But it's possible only if dead.

There once was a Radio Times
Which was used to mop up household grimes
It was usually bearable
(But utterly terrible
Throughout the Olympic Gimes).

I once bought myself a pet cat
But I smashed it to bits with a bat
Then I purchased a second
But dinnertime beckoned
So I microwaved it — and that's that.