Warp 459

Suddenly the Mona Lisa frowned in the manner of a person being unexpectedly disembowelled with a pair of tweezers. The image ruptured, and reformed into the most horrific-smelling venomous beast of burden that any of the Enterprise's crew (of seven) had ever seen.

It was the Leader of the Shrimps.

It oozed gungingly round in its bucket to face Kirk. "We come in peace," it slimed, "shoot to kill."

"That's my line," exclaimed Kirk, who now resembled a shoebox full of pot noodle and gargoyle sick. "Fire torpedoes, Mr Lunu!"

"Firing now, sir," replied the Lieutenant. The Right-tenant said nothing (probably because he was Russian and didn't understand a word anyone said).

"Well, you wouldn't be firing them four millennia ago, would you?" said Morse, appearing not altogether unbizarrely from the ship's Portawarp. "Lewis?"

"Warp factor 17, Mr Snott," ordered Kirk.

"Och, if I give her any more she'll blow Captain," replied the haggis-eating bagpipes.

"Warp factor 459." And she blew.

"Damn," said Kirk. "I did it again."

(to be continued?)